Starting your day

Waking up in the days after the zombie apocalypse should create conflicted feelings in you. On one hand, you're terribly excited about the zombie apocalypse. On the other hand, you're horribly afraid of being killed by zombies too soon in this wonderful new world. Because for god's sake, you didn't make it this far to exist in a world where it's finally okay to knock the heads off of undead human-type creatures just to get bitten immediately and lose your consciousness. Frankly, that defeats the whole purpose of your having survived, and you might as well go back to regular fraudulent living. Being bitten now would be like when you were a kid and had a Commodore 64 and it would take six hours to load a game, and when it finally loaded your older brother would yell at you for constantly getting killed and ruining the fun, traumatizing you for life. This would be a lot like that, except that you watched your brother get eaten for lunch yesterday by four zombies. So at least that part is different.

So aside from the constant fear, for which your regular fraudulent life should have amply prepared you, you should be pretty ready and eager to start the day every day. If you think about the right way, the zombie apocalypse has caused you to wake up for the first time in your life, and you're finally truly alive. As soon as you open your eyes, throw the covers off quickly and grab the baseball bat by the side of your bed, then peek out your boarded window for any swarms of the undead and to check the weather. If you don't have a baseball bat by now, you'd better have a sledgehammer, or at least a ninja sword. If not, you're going about this all wrong.

As soon as you've decided it's safe to go downstairs, light up that first cigarette. Your days are firmly numbered now, so who cares about cancer anyway? Hell, it'll be a miracle if cancer causes your death now, so smoke up! You can spit those blackened, necrotic pieces of lung at the zombies to taunt them (or possibly to blend in, if necessary). Also, it makes the start of your day that much better, and having a cigarette in your mouth while bashing in the head of a zombie makes you look infinitely more awesome.

After a breakfast of dry cereal and iron-flavored water, you should grudgingly look around your impromptu fortress and see if there are any survivors hiding, which there usually are. If you find one who looks weak, you should briefly consider killing them "by accident" in order to avoid having to expend energy on saving them later. Then again, you might be able to use them to throw at future zombies, the way you'd throw sausages to a snarling dog while robbing a house. If you have to satisfy your bloodlust, go out and kill some zombies in the garage. They're always in the damn garage. Afterwards, as you shower off the residual gore, plan out the rest of your day and where/how you'll forage for food supplies. The water will feel good on your skin, but the smile on your face won't be from that. It'll be because this is the best day of your life. Until tomorrow.