So This Is the New Year

If any of your lame companions has been keeping track of the days, you may at some point be told that it's New Year's Day. Before the zombie apocalypse, this holiday was nothing more than a time to reflect on how much you sucked last year and how much not-different this year will be--but things have changed. Every year that you survive now is actually a real accomplishment--not just a sad, fake accomplishment like before. Now, surviving means you've killed scores of undead, been not-killed by zombies countless times, and have survived the horror of living in close quarters with tag-along survivors. 

So, you should take some time on New Year's Day to reflect on how goddamn awesome you are. You should sit around and play back in your head all the best escapes you've made this year as well as the many glorious zombie decapitations you've scored. 

You've spent an entire year not-dying. That's amazing! Look out on that horde of undead in the distance. It's probably about 100,000 strong. And that's only a tiny percentage of total world zombies. All those people died before you did. All those people suck way more than you. This is like when you used to take standardized testing in middle school and would get the results in the mail, but you wouldn't get a number or letter score. No. What you'd get is the percentile in which you fall in comparison to everyone else who took the test. Now, instead of just being in the 99th percentile for abstract reasoning skills, you're in the 99th percentile for life. 

Take that, everyone else.